My brother was a pain growing up. I mean it, a real pain. He got into trouble all the time. He was a handful for my parents. I remember my mom losing her patience more than once. It wasn't just that insider view either. He was trouble for everybody. He had run ins with the local grocery store clerks as well as teachers at school. A little boy full of mischief. Really, it wasn't anything more than that. But it was exhausting. Labeled as dyslexic with ADHD he struggled in school. He should have graduated a year after me, in 1980. Instead it was 1983. My brother and I got along more in our teen years than we did as children. Still, I thought he was a bit of a dunce. It wasn't until he left high school and moved away that he really blossomed. Out away from those preconceived ideas others had about him, he grew into a man. I was stunned.... and humbled.
He met and married Cara, now more like a sister than a sister in law to me. Under the wings of her and her family, my brother thrived. He built a little playground for his kids, and a deck.....and a garage....and renovated rooms and floors....etc. I remember visiting him one day in their home and I was in disbelief at his incredible handiwork. He was quite a carpenter. He worked as a machinist. Wait? Didn't that involve math? And when did he learn to tear apart a car and put it back together? As it turns out, my brother was pretty sharp. But he couldn't sit still. Give his hands something to do and let him go. Sit him at a desk and you are asking for trouble.
My dad and I were discussing this blossoming. Dad said "Chuck (Allan's father in law) taught him to use a hammer. I couldn't get him to stay home long enough." I think dad was feeling like he came up short as a father. But, dad, that is not true. As a kid, I remember mom and dad having water battles with us in the summer. They played with us, they chased us, and took us sledding. I remember building an oven out of coat hangers and aluminum foil on a snowy hillside on grandma's farm. We made biscuits and drank hot chocolate. Dad gave us a lesson in simple survival. He taught us that you didn't need much to get by. Dad got involved in scouting with my brother. He played with us, he taught us and he got after us when we were bad. Even as a rebellious teen, dad had more influence on me than he could possible know. If he didn't like a boyfriend, suddenly I didn't like them. For some reason, it mattered what my dad thought. I am sure it was the same for my brother. Whatever shortcomings my parents had, real or imagined, I never noticed.
My mom and dad were young. Dad was 16 when he married and 17 when I was born. They grew up along with us. And they stayed together for more than 30 years. They taught us about adventure and commitment.
During another conversation, dad and I were discussing the age of maturity. I felt I was at least 26 before I felt like I had grown into adulthood. Dad said he thinks he was closer to 30. The point is, we are still learning and growing well past the high school years.
So here is my first point, Parents are only a part of a person's journey. The other part of the journey takes its path somewhere out in the world. We can only hope that our kids encounter acceptance and love as did my brother. Parent's, whatever shortcomings you think you have, know that you are enough. Just do your best and say a prayer for the rest.
The next point I want to make is that we should endeavor to be the kind of people we hope our kids find in the world. Be the one to believe in the emerging adult. It matters. In a world full of naysayers and bullies, be kind. It matters
My brother was a fun dad. He was a prankster grandpa. He loved all things native american, wolves and his mustang. He won trophies in car shows for his souped up 'tang. He baked cookies and sent them at Christmas. He made a point to keep in touch. I got frequent texts from him. I will miss him. I will miss his pranks. I will miss his light.
